Shootout

In college today we did creative writing. We were given one sentence ("The man had a gun.") and had to write a story based on that sentence.
My tutors were proud of my piece of work and photocopied it so they could use it as examples in future or something. I'm so very very happy about that. Although the tutor wasn't happy with the ending as it's "too short" but meh. I'd like your opinions on it, please.
I printed out a copy for myself mostly coz I wanted to keep it, I'm very happy and quite proud of it and it's the first stuff I've written in a while. But I also wanted to post it on RAM as well. Here I go, writing it out all over again lol (Gemma this is why I was a ghombie on MSN, been writing this out lol)

btw just a lil note, the things written in italics are either flashbacks or fantasies.

Shootout.

A man had a gun. He had never felt that powerful in his life. All his life he had been told he was useless and here he was standing outside a bank with a big grin on his face, predicting what will happen the second he walks through that door.

"HAND OVER THE MONEY" he yells, full of confidence, as if he's from a cheesy movie, then everyone's attention turns to him. Some people cower in the corner and rush to comfort their children who wail and cry and scream like there's no tomorrow.

He snaps out of his fantasy.
This could be the end of all his problems. The money. He HAS to get the money no matter what and this is his last resort.

He takes a step forward and the automatic doors open. He looks around the room, hardly anyone is there. He knows there's a lot of money in there though.

His phone rings. He picks it up but before he can answer, a gruff voice comes down the line "you do it yet? I NEED THAT MONEY" and hangs up before he has a chance to reply.

He thinks for a minute. Is it worth going to jail, getting caught, just to get the one known as "X" off his back?

Growing up in a life of poverty with an alcoholic mother and an abusive father, he had always been told he'd turn to a life of drugs and crime. He didn't want to but he fell in with the wrong crowd 13 years ago, when he was 14.
X was the leader of this "gang" he was in. X was a few years older and someone you never wanted to mess with. He had a scar going down the length of his face and always wore a red bandana around his neck, typical of gangster style from that part of down-town Los Angeles.

He and X were close for years, until recently. He was stoned and drunk one night and stole X's car. X was surprisingly cool about it, but demanded he pay him the $100,000 insurance.

Already in debt to so many others, and on the run from the law, he had no way of geting the money. He was a good guy, really but he couldn't resort to robbery and murder, could he? Yet here he was, standing outside the bank, armed and dangerous.

He takes another step forward, reaches his hand into his pocket and touches the smooth body of the gun.

'Is it worth it' he hears a voice in his head asking him.
Then he remembers the angry look on X's face.
'It is' he decides.

Walking into the bank further, he's at the back of the queue now. Not long til he's at the counter. Then he'll pull the gun out. He will.

"No chickening out this time, Corey" he tells himself.

"Next please" smiles the pretty blonde lady and he stepped forward.

"Gimme the money" he mumbles, barely audible.

"I'm sorry?" asks (he checks her name badge) Pearl.

He goes to pull the gun out but turns back around, his conscience won out over his desperation. He goes back to his small, dirty apartment and ends his life. Well, if he hadn't, X would have.

The gun had been lent to him by X, mostly for bank robberies or protection from other gangs in the East Compton area, but also for necessary times such as this, when he was in desperate need of money. It had never been used but in the end, I guess it did come in useful after-all.

Wow, thats really good, it's brilliant.

Poor Corey

Thank you Gemma and umm Max lol yes poor poor Corey at least his troubles are over now. He's in a better place lol

You sure about that?

Waking The Demon wrote:

You sure about that?

Well, as long as he isn't in a MSN convo with you...

I wrote it didn't I?

There could be a sequel where he comes back as a ghost and haunts X or something.

That'd be cool....

Yaah, that would be so awesome

Or a sequel where there's a massive twist in the plot and it turns out none of it really existed, it was all just a figment of some person named Sarah's imagination....

"Y oh Y do I even bother?" pondered X

I get the feeling you don't like the story. Or the name

or the formulaicness

I'm not used to writing such stuff, horror is my thing.

How abouts X does porn? XXX

Stop it

starring vin diesel of course.